What is maternal gatekeeping syndrome?

Have you ever stopped your partner doing something for your child and shown them ‘the right way’ to do it? This can be a sign of maternal gatekeeping - and lots of us are guilty of it.

Maternal gatekeeping is where mums block other would-be caregivers from helping to look after their child, believing that other people won’t meet their high standards. It can be directed at grandparents or childminders, but often, it’s at their partner.

It’s not unusual to be anxious about your child’s wellbeing and to want to be in control of their care (after all, we all want the best for our kids, right?). However, when you won’t let anyone else help or contribute, this can be a problem.

Some research shows that mothers are more likely to gate keep when they hold perfectionist expectations for their partner’s parenting skills, they struggle with poor psychological functioning or they don’t feel stable in their relationships.

Whatever the reasons behind it, maternal gatekeeping can cause major issues for you and your family, so it’s important to recognise, acknowledge and manage these behaviours to avoid friction with your loved ones and parental burnout.  

Maternal gatekeeping can look like…

• Looking over another caregiver’s shoulder while they do something for your child

• Re-doing something another caregiver has already done, for instance changing your child’s nappy

• Giving your partner directions for how to do things for your child, rather than letting them work it out for themselves

• Turning down plans and invites because you don’t trust other people to take care of your child

• Refusing to let your partner establish a new routine with your child, because it’s not how you would do it

• Stopping your partner or other caregivers form a close bond with your child  

The impact of maternal gatekeeping

• Your partner feeling shut out

All families are different, but in the early stages of parenthood, mothers often spend more time with their children, due to things like breastfeeding and parental leave. This means they might get to know their child’s needs quicker than their partners.

Because of this, when your baby needs something, it might seem easier or faster to overstep your partner and do it yourself. However, if you don’t allow your partner to find their feet and learn things for themselves, they can feel unconfident and uninvolved in the care of their child.

Worse still, by shutting out your partner, you might stop them from developing a close and independent bond with your baby.  

• Problems in your relationship  

If your partner is feeling shut out, they might start to feel resentment and anger towards you. Equally, if they feel unable to communicate this to you, you might not realise why they’re backing off and feel annoyed that they’re not helping more. This can create friction in your relationship.

• Parental burnout  

Maternal gatekeeping is a vicious cycle. The more that you push your partner or other caregivers away, the less confident they will become in caring for your child, which means that you will have no choice but to do everything by yourself.

When you take on all of the childcare responsibilities, it can be really hard to find time to meet your own needs. You might struggle to get proper rest, exercise or do anything that you enjoy because you feel as though you can’t leave your child with anyone else.  

Taking on the full load can be stressful and exhausting, and you might develop parental burnout. This can have a serious effect on your mental health and lead to feelings of anxiety and depression.  

Managing maternal gatekeeping

Maternal gatekeeping is common and it’s usually well-intentioned, however, that doesn’t mean that it should be ignored or accepted as the norm. By recognising and addressing it, you can move forward with a healthier family dynamic where everyone feels able to contribute.  

It might take you a little while to adjust your ways, but here are some steps that you can take to avoid maternal gatekeeping:

• Communicate with your partner and encourage them to communicate with you. None of us are mind readers, so the only way to work out how your partner feels is to ask them. It can be really helpful for you both to air your concerns and talk about how you can share the load, together.  

• If your partner or another caregiver is doing something for your child, like changing a nappy or reading them a book, take a break and step away, rather than hovering. It will help the person to gain confidence in caring for your child and having 1-1 time will strengthen their bond.  

• Remember, everyone is doing their best. If your partner or another caregiver makes a mistake when caring for your child, try not to keep bringing it up or make jokes at their expense as it might make them feel less confident going forward.  

• Let other people help you. You don’t have to do everything on your own; you need time for yourself so that you don’t burn out. It might be hard to leave your child with someone else at first, but the more that you do, the more confidence you’ll have in others.

• There might be times where you need to step in, but try to let the little things go. Your partner might not dress your child how you would, a grandparent might not bounce them in the same way as you, but that doesn’t mean that they’re wrong or not helping.  

Vicky Scott, Senior Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner (PWP) at ieso says...

"It is completely normal for mum’s to feel a great sense of responsibility for their newborn child. They are so precious, and your world revolves around them, so of course you would want them to have the best care possible. Unfortunately, sometimes as mums we can mistakenly think that this can only come from us, and that if someone does something in a different way to us then it is automatically wrong. This is what we call maternal Gate keeping and if left unaddressed it can impact your relationship with your partner and other family members, as well as you partners or families relationships with the baby. Its really important to talk to your loved ones about how you and they are feeling, then try to create a plan together, creating times for other people to take the lead in caring for the baby. This might feel really tough to begin with, but start small and try to build from there. If the difficulties continue despite your best efforts it might be helpful to get some further input and support".

If you’re struggling with postpartum anxiety, depression or another mental health issue, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help. At ieso, we offer typed CBT where you can join sessions online from the comfort of your own home. Our appointments are flexible and designed to fit in around your life. Find out how to get started.